Open Mind Hypnotherapy
At the end of January I posted a blog called ‘Don’t Wait’, following the death of my husband’s much-loved Nan after a short and intense battle with cancer.
Little was I to know that just two weeks later my Dad was to very suddenly and devastatingly reach the end of his life as well, also a result of cancer that none of us had known about until the very end.
And, as if those two incredibly upsetting events weren’t already enough for us to be dealing with, something somewhere in the universe decided to test just exactly how strong our little family unit is by throwing into the mix my discovery of two lumps in my breast.
Before I go further into detail about that last sentence, I want to backtrack a little.
After the ‘Don’t Wait’ blog was published and shared, a member of the family asked me to remove it. Horrified that I had upset someone, I took it down as requested. After several days of thinking hard about it, re-reading over and over it, trying to figure out what was so offensive/upsetting about it, I made the decision to re-post it (though I chose not to share it on social media). Partly because I knew that within a week or so it would disappear amongst all the other posts I’d be writing, and in all likelihood, no-one would ever read it again. And partly because this is my space to talk about the things that are important to me (which may also be something that my clients are going through and therefore might find helpful).
Within a day of re-posting it, I became the subject of a torrent of abuse from two other so-called family members (who I now realise were the ones who originally took offence to the post), both online (publically on Facebook) and more directly (privately via text). I don’t want to fill my blog with negativity so I’m not going to post here what was said, but suffice to say it was vile and completely unnecessary. Those people are no longer a part of my family’s world, and good riddance.
This song is dedicated to them:
Now, as someone who was bullied at school for various different things, I have spent a decent amount of my life (ie: my teens and twenties) being who I thought I needed to be in order to get people to like me, because if they like me, they won’t bully me – right? If they like me, they’ll leave me alone and I can fade into the background (which, as an introvert, is the place I most like to be). It might be a bit of a cliché, but after I hit 30 a couple of years ago, all of the therapy I went through as a teen seemed to click into place all at once. I care very much about the feelings and opinions of the people that I love (family, friends), as well as those I respect (eg: colleagues, mentors), but I don’t care one bit about what anyone else thinks. It’s been pretty liberating actually, letting go of that old belief that I had to make everyone like me. I’ve put down so much of the baggage I had been carrying, and I felt free enough to be, well, me.
Until the above incident took place. I think if it had been the only thing going on in my world at that time I’d have been able to handle it no problem, but because of the two recent losses, plus the discovery of these damn lumps, my defences were down and I let it get to me far, far more than I should have done, for far, far too long.
It was a conversation with a supervisee that helped me turn things around in my head. We were discussing her words for the year and how she was incorporating them into her practice, and during that conversation she reminded me what my words for 2015 are: Bravery and Balance. After we finished our session I thought for a long time about those words. I realised that I’d been doing the exact opposite – I’d retreated into fearfulness, I’d stopped being brave enough to be myself any more, and I’d been letting myself get knocked off balance by the opinions of two people who are, quite frankly, so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that I’m now questioning why I let their poisonous hatred get to me in the first place.
Well, enough is enough.
Not everyone is going to like the things I write. That’s ok. Not everyone is going to agree with me. That’s ok. I’m going to be brave enough to keep writing anyway and not let myself be silenced. I welcome differences of opinion. We all have different ways of experiencing the world – it’s interesting to find out someone else’s take on it. I actively encourage discussion on my blog – if you’ve got something to say, feel free to say it here. Likewise, if something I have written has resonated with you or helped you in some way, please do share it here – your words may help another reader feel less alone.
So anyway, about that sentence that I wrote earlier, the one about the lumps.
Yeah, that.
I hadn’t planned on sharing it on here. I was going to keep it private and only post if it turned out to be something more than nothing, so that perhaps sharing my experiences might help other people in some way. But then a post on Facebook by a guy I follow called Rich Litvin (check him out – he’s one of the world’s top coaches right now and he is super-inspiring and insightful) absolutely floored me. He asked of his readers: “What don’t you want me to know about you?”
I couldn’t get that question out of my head for days.
What don’t I want you (my readers) to know about me?
We all wear masks (and that is most definitely going to be a topic I cover on this blog in the not-too-distant future) and all the masks we wear are designed for one thing and one thing only – to protect us. To keep us safe. To hide our true selves away from the world because we (mistakenly) believe that on our own we can’t possibly be enough.
The mask I wear most often is my mask of ‘okay-ness’.
“I’m ok”.
“No, really, I’m fine”.
“How are you doing?” “I’m doing ok”.
The antidote to wearing a mask is to be BRAVE and take it off. To be vulnerable. To show ourselves to the world, as flawed and scarred as we are.
And as soon as I realised that I knew that I had to post about what I’m going through. I’d wanted to keep my mask of ‘okay-ness’ on because I didn’t want people to see that I’m scared. I didn’t want people to see me struggle. I didn’t want anyone to know that despite doing my best to think positively about the situation my head is actually full of ‘what if’s’.
So there you have it. I’ve taken off my mask.
This is me.
I have an appointment at the hospital on Tuesday to have an ultrasound scan and possibly a biopsy. My husband will be there with me. I am terrified of hospitals anyway, so for me this is a double whammy of scary situations all in one go.
It will, in all likelihood, turn out to be nothing. Or it could turn out to be something. Either way, I’m doing my very best to approach it with bravery (despite the fear), and to recognise the learning that will come about as a result of this latest development. Even if that learning is simply a reminder to be grateful for the people in my world who love me and who I love back, and a kick up the ass to do more to make the most of every single day because you never know what’s around the corner.
This has been a longer post than I intended it to be. But it feels good to have got it out of my head.
If anything I’ve written has connected with you in some way, please do get in touch in whatever way feels right for you. You can leave a comment below, you can email me at chloe@openmindhypnotherapy.co.uk and you can find me on Facebook. I’d love to hear from you.
Thanks for reading.
Chloe x
Dave and Gina (I’m addressing this to both of you as I have no idea which one of you posted this),
Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry you feel like that – so full of hatred. I don’t hate you. Bullies only bully because they feel insecure themselves and try to make themselves feel better by gaining power from making other people feel small. I hope that one day you overcome and/or make peace with whatever it is that is making you so bitter inside.
What I don’t want you to know about me is that I often feel swamped by life and forget to let my friends know how much I love them. And you Chloe, are super-duper-tastic. Sending lots of that love right to you now. xx
Kirsty,
You know as well as I do that we’re all guilty of this. The great thing about friendship is that you know your friends are always there, even if you don’t see them or speak to them for a while – you can always pick up where you left off, whether it was days, weeks or even months ago. I feel very lucky to have you in my life – you are incredibly special to me and I love you xx
I love reading your blog, you are very inspirational, intuitive and just very good at what you are doing! People have choices, you have a choice to react so have other people. To twist what you said will not work for those who took your words for what they are. Keep loving, hatred always looses.
xx
Thank you Britta, your words mean a lot. I’m glad you get so much usefulness out of my blog. I agree that choice is key – we can choose whether or not to respond, and if we decide to respond we can choose what that response will be. Love wins, every time.
So sorry to hear what a rough time you’ve been having Chloe, in many different ways. In particular It really saddens me to see any dispute in families, i know from hard personal experience that nothing robs you of your peace and joy quite like bitterness and anger towards people in your family. I hope and pray that hurt and upset and anger expressed in the comment to you above can be overcome through forgiveness, humility and love, if nothing else for the sake of the 4 beautiful precious girls that I know about (and I guess there are other children involved too). I was so humbled just this last weekend by how much my children absolutely loved time we spent with family members. This time a year ago things were in an absolute mess after a horrible family fall out and in my own pride and strength I would have thrown that relationship away. I am so glad I didn’t. LOVE NEVER FAILS xx
Hi Kate, I’m so glad you were able to work things out after having a difficult time with your family – that’s wonderful to hear and I’m sure your gorgeous kiddies will gain many benefits from it. Thank you for your comment and kind words x
Chloe, I know you’ve been following what’s been going on in your life. And so it won’t surprise you that, for me, family doesn’t carry much meaning. Unless you class my direct family – my husband and my daughter. I will move heaven and earth for them, everyone else needs to form an orderly line!
Firstly let me say – it’s ok to not be ok. For as long as it takes. It’s ok to not be ok.
Secondly, being related does not carry automatic rights as some people believe. It is a relationship and like any relationship you don’t know what someone else is thinking and they don’t know what you are thinking. And like anyone, we all have our stuff and often our reactions are based on our own stuff not what anyone else has done. So we work at it. And you can only work on yourself. You can’t change how someone else thinks. Nor can you take responsibility for it. Because you can neither read minds nor change minds. You can just be you.
You can control what happens to your children thought. You can help them process the world and those events that happen in it. You can hold their hand as they learn that everyone is different and everyone deals with things in different ways. You can help them learn to deal with things with the same courage and strength that you always do without even giving yourself credit for it.
I always keep this quote in mind “People are not remembered for what they did, they are remember for how they make you feel”. I want to be a person who lets the light shine on others, and not the person who blocks it out. I can tell you are the same.
Carry on being you, after all, that all you can ever do.
Hi Dawn,
Thank you for your input – I like that quote too. I agree with you that ‘family’ means different things to different people – my family includes my closest friends as well as those I am related to by blood. Thankfully the girls have been unaffected by this messy situation and I plan on that continuing – there is no need for them to be dragged into it. Though I have a strong suspicion that if they did somehow end up being involved they would be their usual truthful and authentic selves and say things as they see them.
Bully? Like when you posted personal details about Dave on facebook to humiliate him publically about his financial/living situation? I’m posting publically with my name as I have nothing to hide. I don’t hate you. Hate comes from emotion and I have no emotions connected to you. I just feel you are a hypocrite and a liar. Vile abuse? Hate? I made one comment after you were rude to me and then cut you off. I did not say or do anything else. So how is that bullying Chloe? How is that everything you have claimed on this blog? You use bullying tactics yet claim others are bullying you? I don’t have the time or the energy to bully you Chloe, if you even cared enough about ‘family’ you would know I have bigger things happening right now. I had to cut off my own family members for being toxic, you overestimate your importance to me and mine. I am an abuse survivor Chloe, this isn’t going to even touch me. Stood up to bigger and tougher.
“I did not say or do anything else” – that is an outright lie and I have the screenshots that prove it.
Put your money where your mouth is then…if you’re talking about Dave’s texts we actually happen to be two independent people. He does what he wants I don’t control my husband. Maybe you should try letting someone else have an opinion.
I’m not talking about Dave’s texts. I’m talking about all of your Facebook posts badmouthing me behind my back.
You mean you’re the kind of person who stalks from someone else’s profile after being blocked? That’s hilarious actually, and if it was ‘behind your back’ why were they public? unlike you I say it openly, no bullshit. I’d rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I am not. No hypocrisy here sweetheart.
Gina, this is the final time I am going to respond to you. I am not ‘stalking’ you and have absolutely no interest in doing so. I don’t even know Neil’s login details, let alone anyone else’s, so to suggest I am using someone else’s profile is absurd. I can’t see what you are writing on your Facebook page, but your security settings are wide open and I have some very loyal and loving friends who believe I deserve to know what is being said about me.
I look forward to reading your posts, you are always so open and thoughtful with your words, its beautiful. You are an inspiration to others with how you are coping with everything that life is throwing at you. I have my fingers crossed concerning your hospital appointment. Love and hugs
Thank you Shirley, that means a lot
You are wonderful Chloe. Helpful, generous, kind, honest and open. Your blog is always a treat to read as your openness is rare. What a beautiful response you have offered that negative commenter at the top. So very typical of your generous and loving approach to others. X
Thank you Victoria. Honesty and authenticity is my top Signature Strength, so being open feels natural and right to me – I’m glad others enjoy reading my words. I love reading your blogs too – you have a wonderful way with words – so keep them coming 🙂
Wow. Just wow. I am utterly disgusted by some of the comments on such a personal post and am really having to bite my tongue.
I’ll just say that I’m beyond proud of you Chloe and love you to the moon and back. Keep that beautiful head held high xxxx p.s I quite often start the day with a little dance off to old Swifty 🙂
Don’t worry about biting your tongue lovely – say what you think (after all, other people are doing just that). I love you to the moon and back too and am incredibly proud of who you’ve become. PS: I think it might become my new favourite song 😉
Dear Chloe
I dont know or frankly care about those people who are being so nasty at a time when you are so vulnerable. All I know is that you are a wonderful mother and are loved by a sweet and lovely man. Stick to your instincts , you have inspired so many people with your courage and hard won wisdom . Listen only to the opinions of people you respect , they are the only ones worth listening to.
Much love
Lesley
Hi Lesley,
Thank you for your words – they mean a lot. “Listen only to the opinions of people you resect” – I agree. Not always that easy to do in practice, but I’m learning (as we all are!)
Hi Chloe,
Brilliantly expressed, as ever. So sorry to hear about your medical problem. My wife had something like that, which was of course worrying (immediate recall after a mammogram) but it turned out to be cyst, which was dealt with there and then – that was a huge relief, and I hope yours turns out to be nothing too.
And Gina, thanks for giving us a name to address and having the courage to go public…I don’t know you, obviously, and know nothing of what has happened to you in your life. Clearly, you have had painful experiences. I can’t help feeling, though, that if you could just turn some of those negative emotions into something more positive, your life could look a whole lot better to you. Of course, you have come to just the right place for that, as this blog is riddled with therapists who know just how to help you move forward with less hatred and more love. Something to think about?
Hi Nick,
I’m so glad that the recall your wife experienced turned out to be something relatively minor – I’m very much hoping that my appointment on Tuesday will turn out to be a similar kind of thing.
And with regards to your words for Gina – thank you. They are so typical of the wonderful community I have around me – thoughtful, generous and caring. My tribe. I’m so lucky to have you all.
Chloe. Stay strong. These people clearly have their own demons and are taking it out on you.
Why? Only they know that.
You are a beautiful strong and loving woman who I am proud to know. You have gone through a lot and I love seeing where you are now with Neil and your beautiful girls.
Your work and your blog – all to help people – are wonderful. You have achieved so much and helped many many people. Never let a few sad, unhappy persons bring you down.
Your approach of love is right. Love and forgiveness. But you won’t forget – that’s what many people don’t realise. A strong person can love and forgive but we never forget.
Their vileness means they have lost you as a friend – and that is a loss but it is their loss.
You just continue being you.
Beautiful strong clever loving wife mother and friend. You are just right exactly as you are. xxx
Thank you Di – coming from you that means an awful lot as I have an enormous amount of respect for you and the work you do to help people (http://www.sweetpeacharity.org/). You’re right, I won’t forget. But holding onto bitterness just hurts me, which is why I wrote this blog post in the first place – to get it out of my head, let it go and move on. Lots of love coming your way for being someone who played an instrumental part in my journey. x
Thanks nick but as you said you know nothing about me or my circumstances. I am not filled with hatred but seeing as you only have half the story, i don’t blame you for your very wrong opinion. I am glad that someone has the decency to address me directly for once. I don’t need therapy, I’ve actually done that not that it is anyone’s concern. I am full of love, I’m not the one who has decided to try and hurt people to get a reaction. Which will no longer happen. Though the mother’s day card was a low blow.
Re: the Mother’s Day card… Neil chose, bought and wrote the card over a week ago, then posted it on Friday. I didn’t even see it and have no idea what was written in it. So who’s being the hypocrite now by saying “I’m not the one who has decided to try and hurt people to get a reaction” and then doing exactly that.
Like when you judged me for not automatically knowing everything?
I didn’t judge you Gina (and I still don’t). I just politely asked you not to try and be funny when you had no idea what I was talking about. How you interpreted my response to your comment was up to you and I think all of these things you’re writing say a lot more about you than they do about me.
Hi Chloe
My mother was a great one for sayings, one of her favourites was ‘there are three sides to every story, your side, their side and the truth’. You know what your truth is, it shines through in your writings, everything else is unimportant. So long as you have your truth, love and your family, the important things in life, that is then everything.
Gina, I wholy agree with Nick, I’ve been where you are, in that place of mistrust and looking at the world through my pain and hurt. It doesn’t have to be like that, I truly, sincerely hope you find the peace you are seeking.
Regarding your hospital visit Chloe, I went through that last year, I was and still am so grateful to the NHS for their speedy response and you and your family are in my thoughts during this difficult time. I do understand how you feel and hope that your outcome is as positive as mine was.
Wishing you all that is good in life.
Melanie
Lovely Mel, thank you. I think your Mum was very wise. This whole thing has come about as a misinterpretation on all sides, each believing that they are in the right. I do know what my truth is – what my intentions were (and still are), how I feel about the people involved, and what I am going to learn from this experience. However other people choose to interpret these events is up to them and they will undoubtedly continue to see them through the same filters that they currently are. That makes me feel sad, but at the end of the day there is nothing I can do about it other than choose if/how I am going to react to it.
I’m sorry to hear you went through a similar situation last year and I am very glad that everything turned out to be ok in the end (just as, hopefully, it will be for me). Thank you for your support x
I think the song says it all! One of the embarrassing things about me is that I listen to that song almost every day on the way home from work. There’s always more that could and probably should be done but we are human & our lives are a test in which no one scores 100%. That is something I find really hard to remember. All we can do is try and tackle the questions and sometimes apparently un-solvable mind teasers 1 step at a time & with as much good grace as possible. No one can do more than that & I for one think you score pretty highly! Much love xxxx
Oh Hannah, my beautiful friend who has been there for me through EVERYTHING – I love you so much. You’re right – we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got and that is all that anyone can ever ask. It as also always, ALWAYS enough. I think next time we see each other we need to turn that song up loud and dance 😉 Love you xx
Love you Chloe. The strongest, sweetest and most self aware person I know. I’m not sure who all these people are who apparently are seeing you as poisonous etc…. No evidence of it as far as I can see. Stay being you, stay as wonderful as you are xxx
Thank you Hannah, for your unwavering and unending support through all of this. You have no idea how much having you there means to me. xx
There is something that coincides with what you are going through the Ruby Bridges. You may not be aware of her however, irrespective of this, note, when people are visually and verbally abusive directly to you, there is no point in being angry with them – deep down in their hearts they know right from wrong – it goes without saying.
Stay positive honey.xxx
So let’s get this straight, me venting on my personal fb page is bullying, you venting on your blog isn’t. Me here alone defending myself is bullying, you telling all your friends via facebook to come here and gang up on me( as seen by a family member) isn’t? Explain that to me as the last time I checked, free speech went both ways.
This family member saw it as bullying enough to comment here, yet their comment is nowhere to be seen. Funny how anyone supporting me who knows both sides isn’t allowed here, yet your friends are. That’s very fair isn’t it?
I have moderated every single comment that has been posted on here and published all of them. Whoever it is, their comment didn’t come through.
My security settings aren’t wide open…unless i post something publicly (ie choosing to do so). Your loyal friends obviously chose to seek me out as I don’t know them or wish to. you said on your own blog, if you don’t like it don’t read it…yet you’re blasting me for something I wrote openly? Oh I forgot it’s only allowed if you agree, hypocrisy is alive and well I see. I
Hi Gina, thanks for the response. As said before, I don’t know what has happened to you in your life, and I know nothing about what has set off this particular feud. Actually, I don’t even know Chloe all that well…I’ve met her a few times, I’m a Facebook friend and I read her blogs. But I like her a lot. Maybe if I got to know you, I would like you a lot. Who knows?
I know Chloe has been through a lot in her life, and maybe you have too.
I am a therapist but I’m also a dad (probably old enough to be yours), one of five brothers and the husband of someone else who is the eldest of five, so I know something about extended families. And one thing I know absolutely for sure is that there is no gain in family fall-outs. They can be fast or slow to develop, but they always cause pain and unhappiness. And ultimately, they are all pointless.
I’ll accept you don’t feel hatred, but there is clearly anger and unhappiness. I don’t know what Chloe has done to upset you, but she obviously has. The easy thing to say would be: let it go. But that is rarely an easy thing to do.
What I would suggest is taking a step back. I doubt I could suggest kissing and making up without you thinking I was out of my mind, but we all have the ability to take a step back, think about who we are really hurting (probably ourselves as much as anyone else) and think twice about prolonging the pain.
I have absolutely no idea if you and Chloe can ever be reconciled – or even if either of you would ever want to be – but life has to go on. And it’s better if it goes on without unnecessary bitterness. That is just a waste of energy and emotion.
Of course, this is the point where you and Chloe can both tell me to butt out… though it is unusual for family arguments to be pursued in public, giving everyone a chance to pitch in. Apologies if you think I am being patronising, but some of us are old enough to know there are no winners in these situations – only losers. Take care of yourself and try not to lose too much.
Nick, the problem with online communication is that you cannot hear a person’s tone or see their facial expressions so it can be misread. I am very straightforward in my speech so I don’t know if that comes across as abrupt to someone who doesn’t know me.
The family situation is complicated, I do feel I am being misrepresented and demonized but hey ho, that’s life, everyone presents their own truth. I am not the hateful person I have been portrayed as but I have decided to just focus on the people who truly know me and care about me. This will be my final comment on here but I had to respond to you as you actually spoke to me person to person and I appreciate that.
Not one amongst us is perfect and there is more than one side to every story.
There’s a lot of hurt and anger on this thread but also a lot of love. Sending love to you all and hope there’s a peaceful resolution soon. X
[…] keep up with… and yet feelings of loneliness and social isolation are at an all time high. Cyber-bullying is increasing rapidly (with devastating results in more than a few cases) and the art of […]
I just want to add that i don’t know Chloe that well but what I do know is she has been helpful and understanding to me and I can’t understand anyone that would kick someone when they are down however frustrated with that person they are,
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Email: chloe@openmindhypnotherapy.co.uk
Keep lying, keep taking it for sympathy, family? You don’t know the meaning of the word. You use your in-laws for babysitting etc but can’t be bothered otherwise like over Christmas. Everyone is seeing what a twofaced poisonous excuse for a human you are. No one has to start a hate campaign like you’re pretending…you’re doing a great job of it yourself. If everyone didn’t love Neil so much, no one would even talk to you right now.