After a month of being on a rollercoaster emotionally, I think I’m finally starting to feel a bit more like myself.

I think I’ve gone through pretty much every single feeling I know.

Recent weeks have seen me move from sadness (the slightest thing had me in tears of absolute despair); through to anger (the tiniest irritation had me flying into screaming rage so venomous that I even scared myself) and out the other side to complete exhaustion (the smallest exertion had me sinking into bed utterly unable to keep my eyes open for a moment longer).

It’s not all been bad though.  I’ve also experienced overwhelming gratitude (for my girls, my family, my friends, my health, my life…), a quiet calmness (when everything seems completely clear and still and you know just exactly where you are and where you need to be and how you are going to get there), and pure love (for all of those people who are important to me).

I’m normally fairly stable (I think!), emotion-wise. So this feeling of being unsettled, all-over-the-place and out of control was not a pleasant one.  With hindsight of course I can pinpoint exactly why it’s happened – a series of events stacked one on top of the other in fairly quick succession rocked my world and left me wondering what the hell was going on, because everything was changing so quickly and I felt like I couldn’t keep up.

Now that I’ve managed to get myself back on a bit more of an even keel I’m trying to find within me the feelings of determination and bravery.  They’re in there somewhere, I know they are.  It’s just taking me a while to find them.

I need them, because I’m starting something new.  And for me starting something new is scary.  And exciting.

Scary and exciting.

I always say to my clients that ‘scary’ and ‘exciting’ are actually the same thing – it’s just adrenaline running through your body and it’s up to you to choose how you want to interpret that feeling.

Now I need to take that on board myself.

In amongst the overwhelming support I’ve received with regards to my decision to take my photography further, my choice to venture beyond what currently feels safe for me (in my eyes: being an enthusiastic amateur who manages to get a few lucky shots…) a few people have taken the sensible approach and told me in no uncertain terms that now really isn’t the right time to be starting something new.  That I need to concentrate on my girls.  That I need to make sure that my Cognitive Hypnotherapy practice is at it’s peak and running smoothly first.  That I have other far more important priorities than my own (selfish) creative desires.  And they are absolutely right.

Sort of, anyway.

My girls are always my top priority.  Always.  No exceptions.  Being with them, and playing with them, and cuddling them, and teaching them the things that I want them to know (like the fact that they are beautiful inside and out, and that they already have everything they need inside of them to be whoever they want to be, and that they are loved fiercely and infinitely) has to come first, before anything else.

My work too is getting there.  I’m getting busier all the time and spreading my wings in new directions, but like any self employed person it’s not guaranteed that it will stay that way, even with all the extra hard work I put in behind the scenes.  I need to stay focused on it as much as possible in order to help it develop and expand to become all that it could be.

But…

…A small part of me knows that if I follow my desires I will be happier.  And if I’m happier, my girls will be happier.  And my business will grow in the way that I want it to.

So where does that leave me?

Well, I have to confess that I let those minority comments knock me.  I felt hurt and upset.  Even though I knew those words were spoken from a place of love, because they want to see me happy and successful and settled and secure and all the other things that I want for myself, they stung.  A lot.

Unconsciously I interpreted those words as meaning that they thought I wasn’t good enough to do the things I wanted to do.  That I wasn’t being a good mother by indulging my own wants instead of focusing on my girls needs.

I very nearly gave up on my ideas.

The thing is though, that there is a feeling right in the centre of my heart that is telling me that I need to pursue photography too.  And I’m not going to ignore that feeling.  It’s too strong.  Photography is too important to me for it not to be a more significant part of my life than it already is.

So I’m starting slowly.  I’ve made lists (of course!).  I’m doing research.  I’ve subscribed to websites and magazines that I know will inspire me.  I’ve signed up to a course to improve my skills and my knowledge.  I’ve been lent a really rather lovely camera by an even more lovely friend to practice on.  I’m probably spending more time on Pinterest than is strictly necessary.

Because I’ve decided not to give up.  That quiet little voice from deep within is telling me to continue, and so I am.  Quietly.  Calmly.  Knowing that I will get there when I’m meant to.