I was devastated to wake up this morning and learn the news that Robin Williams had passed away.  Even more so when I found out it might have been suicide.

It’s quite strange really – celebrity deaths don’t normally affect me very much.  It’s incredibly sad of course, but I don’t really pay much attention to celebrity lives either, so when Amy Winehouse / Peaches Geldof / Whitney Houston / Heath Ledger / Michael Jackson (delete as applicable and/or insert another appropriate name here) passed away I didn’t feel it personally.

This one was different.

I’ve grown up watching Robin Williams films.  The memories I have of those films are strongly connected to certain phases and events in my life.  There are parallels.  Meanings.  And now he’s gone and those meanings feel even more, well… meaningful.

My one and only experience of ‘Mork and Mindy’ is of seeing an episode on the old TV in my Nana and Grandad’s ‘sun-room’ at their house in Marlow when I was a little girl.  I spent the rest of the day putting my fingers above my head as if they were antennae, gleefully shouting “Nanoo nanoo” at everyone I came across.

I watched ‘Hook’ at my Dad’s house on the weekends I was there – usually on a quiet Sunday afternoon having completed my homework, curled up in the squidgy armchair with a plate of apple, cheese and crackers, lazily winding down before making the long drive home ready to face another week at school.  Since then it’s meaning has morphed into something more – my husband loves ‘Hook’ too and we can’t wait to introduce our girls to it once they’re a bit older.

‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ came out around the time that I started to become aware that my family set-up was a bit different from the other children in my class at school.  It helped me figure out and manage the myriad of turbulent thoughts and feelings I had around the whole situation and it still has the power to make me cry to this very day.

One of my favourite Disney films of all time is ‘Aladdin’.  The Genie was always the character I loved the most because even at a young age I knew, I KNEW that he was putting on a happy act to hide the sadness he was feeling underneath.  I remember watching it over and over and over as a child.

I’ve only ever seen ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ once, but it’s messages have stayed with me:  Carpe diem – seize the day and make your life extraordinary.  Stand up for what you believe in.  Find your own voice.  And be brave enough to follow your own path.

‘Good Will Hunting’ came into my awareness as I began the long, slow descent into what eventually manifested as depression and an eating disorder.  I remember feeling as misunderstood as Matt Damon’s character and wishing that someone ‘got’ me and talked to me in the same way as Robin Williams’ therapist character did.

“You’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.”

Yes, Robin Williams, through all of his different guises, felt like a friend that I’d never met.  He’d been through it all with me.

I’ve been reflecting on each of these films, and I can see valuable lessons and messages in all of them that I want to share with you:

~  ‘Hook’ reminds me not to let myself get too serious, not to get so bogged down in being a grown-up that I forget how to have fun.  It also reminds me to believe in magic from time to time.

“All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you’ll fly”

~  ‘Mrs Doubtfire’ reinforces that my family and those that I love, are the most important thing in the world, and that families come in all different shapes and sizes (and that that’s ok).

“Ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. And once I held them, I was hooked. I’m addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can’t be with them, I can’t see them every day… it’s like someone saying I can’t have air. I can’t live without air, and I can’t live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them.”

~  ‘Aladdin’ reminds me that the power to make your wishes come true lies in your own hands.

“Do not be fooled by a common place appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts”

~  ‘Dead Poet’s Society’…where to begin?  If you haven’t seen it, watch it.  Please.  It’s one of the most inspiring and powerful films I’ve ever seen.

“Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go “that’s bad”. Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.”

~  ‘Good Will Hunting’ taught me that you can learn anything and everything you want to from books, but in order to truly understand something you have to experience it yourself.  I also learnt that everyone has their own demons, their own story – nobody is perfect.  And they can choose to either let that define them, or they can choose to let it go and leave it behind and walk away and start afresh.

Robin Williams allegedly had his own issues with drugs and alcohol and depression.  If you listen to the media, he battled with his demons for many, many years, hiding his struggles behind incredible talent and an innate ability to make people laugh.  I guess eventually he ran out of the energy to fight against them any more.

I’ve been there – I know what it’s like.  Not with drugs and alcohol of course, but it could have been.  I could have chosen them.  Instead I chose food.  There were times when I wanted to give up.  When I thought about suicide.  When I wanted to lie down and close my eyes and never wake up again, just to get some peace and quiet in my head.

I was lucky enough to get help – to find someone who understood me, who listened.  Who believed in me one hundred percent and through that belief helped me find my own way back from the dark side.  That, plus the love and support of my family and friends, was what kept me here, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I’m not really sure what else I want to say.  I guess I want to reinforce that no matter how far down you feel you’ve slipped, no matter how many times you’ve hit rock bottom only to find that you can go even lower, please, please, please don’t give up.  Please keep trying.  Please seek help.  It is possible to get better.  To let go of those demons.  To live the life you want to live and be free.  It’s worth it.  I promise.

I’ll leave you with one last quote, which is a personal one from him rather than a film character quote:

“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”

Rest in peace Robin Williams… rest in peace.

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