From a very young age I knew that I would become a mother and that I would have daughters.  There was no question about it – I was having girls and that was that.

Fast forward through the next fifteen to twenty years, via a serious eating disorder, depression and lots of soul searching, and I am a Mum of three incredible daughters and one awesome stepdaughter, all of whom I love with my whole heart.

I was always going to find out what sex my babies were going to be – I needed to know if I was right, even though deep down I already knew.  At the 20 week scan of my firstborn, when the sonographer confirmed that we were indeed having a girl, I cried.  With joy, yes.  But also because I was suddenly hit with the enormous responsibility that came with having a daughter.  Not only did I need to make sure I cared for her on a physical level, I also had to make sure that she never had to go through what I went through.  I needed to bring her up to love herself, to be strong and confident in who she is, to be happy with her appearance and to believe that she can do anything in the world that she wants to do.

Then daughters two and three came along, and that pressure of responsibility grew exponentially.

Today my girls are 8, 6 and nearly 5, and my stepdaughter has just turned 13.  I wish I could tell you that so far they are unscathed – that they are happy and confident little girls.  But I can’t.  For the most part, they most certainly are – they smile and giggle and play and learn and love.  But they are not without their problems.

My eldest is incredibly anxious, about lots of things.  She has issues with food as a result of having severe reflux as a baby, and she is a perfectionist and high achiever in everything she does.  If it’s not perfect, it’s not good enough.

My middle daughter is angry a lot of the time.  She often says that no-one cares and that we don’t listen to her.  She has low self esteem and believes that she can’t get anything right.

My youngest daughter is perhaps too young yet to have learnt any of these problem patterns, but already I can see that she hates conflict and raised voices.

All of these things – EVERY SINGLE ONE – is an echo of me.  Issues with food, perfectionist, not good enough, low self esteem, can’t do anything right, hating arguments… they’re all me.

Sometimes I think perhaps I should never have had children.  That I’m just not cut out to help a child navigate their way through life.  Maybe I should have waited until I was older & wiser and calmer.

On better days I can see the reason that my girls chose me to be their mother.  That maybe I’m just the right person to love them.

I know I’m doing the best I can.  I’m incredibly worried that it’s not enough.  That all of these issues will grow and develop into bigger things.

So what sparked me to write this post?

This video:

I am very careful not to comment on my appearance in front of my girls.  I have never complained about my stomach or my boobs or my skin in front of them.  My hair a couple of times perhaps.  I make sure that if they see me standing in front of the mirror in the morning as I get dressed, I never poke my stomach or breathe in.  I try so hard to  give them messages of loving their bodies and look at how amazing it is because of all the things it can do.  We talk about how everybody (and every body) is different, an why that’s such a great thing.  For the most part, I think they take that on board.

I just hope it’s enough.

I have no idea what the outcome would be if I asked my girls to write a list of the things they do and don’t like about themselves and then compared it to a list that I might write.  I’m actually afraid to do that – a/ because I don’t want to put the idea in their heads that there might be a part of themselves that they don’t like and b/ because what if their list is the same as mine?  What if they don’t like the same things about themselves that I don’t like about me?  What kind of a mother would that make me?

I guess this video really highlighted to me just how important it is to model body confidence, and loving myself exactly as I am.  How crucial it is for my girls to see their Mum happy in her skin.

A few days ago (before I saw this video) a colleague of mine posted this question on Facebook:  “What are you really committed to in your life?”.

The first thing that came into my head was making sure that my girls grow up happy and healthy and secure and confident and believing in themselves and loving themselves as they are.  I want my little family – me, my husband and my girls – to be ok.

That’s what I’m committed to.

And I will do everything in my power to make sure that happens.

In a previous blog post I’d written about the power of Promise Cards.  Up until now, I hadn’t written one myself, though I have given a couple to clients who have found them incredibly powerful.  In truth, I haven’t known what to write.

Now I know.

Here is my promise – to myself and my girls:

 

 

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