It feels like I’ve been pretty quiet on my blog recently, bar my regular #projecthappy posts.  I’m acutely aware that I haven’t written a ‘big’ blog post for a while.  And by ‘big’ I mean the kind of writing that I do when I use it as a form of therapy – the kind that results in a keyboard awash with tears and a full screen of words and a wonderfully empty head.  The kind of blog post that actually gets people interacting because it’s real and open and vulnerable and raw and honest.

It’s not for a lack of things to say.  I’ve got plenty of ideas in my head – a whole list of them in fact.  All important things.  Things that I want to write about.  Things that are going on in my world that I’m pretty sure are also going on in other people’s worlds but because of this weird connected-but-disconnected society we’ve created for ourselves we don’t actually properly talk about.  Things that matter.  Like bullying.  And possible-dyslexia.  And anger and grief and fear and family and values and friendship and parenting and love and enough-ness.

So why aren’t I writing about them?

I’ve been telling myself that it’s because I don’t have time.

Ha!

That’s the oldest excuse in the book, the writer’s equivalent of “the dog ate my homework”.  It’s bullshit.  And I know it’s bullshit even as I continue to say it to myself (both in my head and out loud).  I know full well that if something is important enough to me I will find a way to make the time to do it.

“But you like to write your blog posts all in one go.  You don’t like to write half of it and then come back to it.  You haven’t got time to do a big piece like that all in one go,” whispers that annoying little voice in my ear, all too convincingly.

Shut.  Up.

I’mnotwritingaboutthembecauseI’mscaredto.  There, I’ve said it.  The words whooshed out of me as I exhaled, like I somehow blew them onto the screen like the autumn winds make the leaves dance.

These topics, that are all so very real for me right now, seem far too big for little old me to tackle.  What wisdom or resources could I possibly have to share with others who might be going through the same thing?  I don’t want this blog to be just about me.  I want it to be useful for those who read it.  For people to be able to say “me too!” and gain some insight, or inspiration, or comfort from my words.

I just don’t feel capable of offering that right now, even though that’s supposed to be part of my (self-written) job description.  “Must offer words of positive encouragement to all who need it and remain upbeat at all times”.

So instead I’ve hidden, because I’m scared to admit that I’m struggling, ashamed to admit that I haven’t quite got it all together.

And then today I was reading ‘Daring Greatly’ by Brene Brown on the train on my way home from London.  In it she talks about shame.  And vulnerability.  And I had to stop reading because I couldn’t even see the words on the page any more through my tears.

I have so much shame.  About so many things.  Things that I’ve never voiced out loud to anyone.

It turns out that the antidote to shame is to choose to be vulnerable.

Choosing to be vulnerable takes bravery.  And this is my year of bravery and balance.

So here I am.

This is me.

Being brave.  Choosing to be vulnerable in order to balance out the shame.   Feeling scared.  Struggling with a heap of stuff.  And not knowing whether it’s the right thing to do or even if there is a right thing to do.  But choosing to do it anyway.  Because we’re all fellow strugglers – even us therapists.

(For some reason it seem easier to be vulnerable to people on the other side of my screen than it is to be vulnerable with those who are closest to me – what’s that about?!  But hey, I’m working on it.  I was having a particularly big battle in my head about enough-ness whilst watching Strictly on catch up with my husband the other night and he asked me why I was hiding behind my hair – I was utterly stunned because I didn’t know that he knew that I did that.  Still learning, every day…).

I think that’s enough vulnerability from me for now*

(*quickly putting on my dark glasses, because everyone knows that wearing dark glasses makes you invisible).

So it’s time for a question for you, my lovely, loyal readers… how could you choose to be vulnerable today?  If there was one thing that you could share as a comment on this blog that would make you feel vulnerable, what would it be?

Thanks for reading 🙂

5 Comments for: Thursday Thought(s) for the Day: On being vulnerable

Chloe

Hi Sharon, thank you for your lovely comment – I’m really glad that you get so much out of reading my blogs. And thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. I think the ‘not good enough’ one is very common – so many of my clients struggle with it (as do I!). I hope that by sharing your vulnerability here with us on the blog gives you the means to begin to work on changing that belief (because I’m pretty sure that actually you are good enough) 🙂

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Victoria

Hi Jess. There are people alive today who also believed once that they wanted to die, just like you. Something changed for them, they found the right help, gained access to the right tools, learned that their life was valuable too. Now they continue to walk and breathe with a new belief. They believe that they want to live. They believe that they are worthy of life, deserve life. Perhaps you believed in Father Christmas once. You don’t now. Beliefs can change. Change is inevitable. Your belief can change too. That’s all it is. You believed you want to die. You believe that’s all your worth maybe. Who would you be if you believed differently? You are beautiful and valuable. I believe that about you.

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Chloe

Hi Jess, Thank you for sharing your vulnerability here. I know how much that must have taken for you to do. The very fact that you are still here, still engaging, and still actively working on recovery says a huge amount about the resources that you have inside of you. I hope that sharing here is the first step down a different path for you. You might like to read the book I mentioned in the blog post – Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Although I know a book won’t turn things around for you (only you can do that), I think you might gain a lot of insight from it. Sending you lots of love (and keep sharing) x

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