The time between Christmas and New Year always feels slightly strange to me.  There’s a kind of limbo where the excitement of the festivities is over but the build up to the start of the next twelve month cycle of seasons hasn’t really begun yet.

For my husband (who works in the hospitality industry) it’s the busiest time of the year, and he works non-stop to make sure all the revellers enjoy their nights out.  I, on the other hand, take two weeks off to spend with my girls who are on their Christmas holidays from school.  The weather is usually pretty rubbish so we tend to stay in quite a lot – them playing with the gifts they received and me quietly pottering and trying to find time to reflect on the year that has just passed.

And now suddenly it’s New Year’s Eve and I’ve finally created some space to get a few thoughts down into a blog post.

For me, 2015 has been incredibly hard.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say it has been the year that nearly broke me.  When my Dad died of third stage lung cancer completely unexpectedly in February, it felt like the sky crashed down around me.  Internally I stopped, though to the outside world I carried on as normal because, well… because I had to.  For my girls and my clients.  Inside my head was a different story.  Guilt and grief and anger and sadness and devastation and chaos raged and, combined with the discovery of two lumps in my breast and some unpleasant trolling, the depression returned, bringing along with it an old friend who whispered in my ear that everything was out of control and there’s nothing I could do about it because everything is unpredictable and that the only thing I had any power over was what I chose to eat.  It tried really hard to reclaim it’s hold over me but I refused to let it and this time, I won.  I’m stronger now and I know it’s old tricks and I refuse to go back down that path.  So I used everything I know to stand my ground and in the end it backed down.  It took a few months, but I did it.  I don’t know whether anyone knew what was going on in my head or not, even my husband, but it doesn’t matter.  It was my battle to face and I had to do it alone.

This time last year I wrote a blog post entitled ‘Reflections, not resolutions’, in which I used ten questions to help me look back on my year.  They were so helpful that I wanted to use them again this year, and I think I may continue the trend in the years to come.  One of the questions focused on narrowing down three things I wanted to accomplish over the year.  Mine were to improve my photography, get more balance and take more risks.

I’m pleased to say that in the midst of all of the turmoil and heartbreak, I did actually manage to do all of those things.

My photography has definitely got better – partly as a result of investing in a new-to-me professional camera, but also because I’ve done my best to shoot every day.  I’ve tried out new techniques, compositions and ideas.  I’ve helped out on a couple of weddings.  And I’ve persevered even when I’ve got frustrated and shots haven’t turned out how I wanted them to.  I’m well aware that I still have a long way to go before I can even begin to contemplate the possibility of turning pro, but that’s ok – I’m in it for the long-haul.

In October I finally took action and joined a yoga class after more than a decade of wanting to get back to it.  There will most definitely be a longer, more in-depth post on this in the future, so for now I’ll leave you with the assurance that it is making a huge difference to my sense of physical and emotional wellbeing.

The risk-taking has been more business related.  I tried out working two days at Harley Street.  It was a risk because there was the chance I might not be able to fill the spaces with clients and would end up paying out an even higher overhead with not much return on my investment.  As it turns out, the risk paid off – I quickly filled the spaces without too much trouble.  But it took it’s toll on my health and my family, so I took another risk and cut down my days back to just one day per week.  It felt better.  I also took a risk with my blog – sharing more of me than I have done before.  I think it’s been a good thing.  The space feels more authentic and I’m still getting engagement from all of you, plus it’s serving as a way of documenting this stage in my life.

Here are my answers to the questions as I look back over this tumultuous year:

1. What did I learn this year?

That I’m more resilient than I give myself credit for.  I’ve also learnt that even though I’ve made improvements, I still need to communicate more with the people I love rather than getting cross that they don’t understand when I haven’t actually explained what I’m thinking and feeling – sometimes I forget that they can’t hear what’s going on inside my head.

2. What was my greatest accomplishment?

Not falling apart.  It would have been so easy to crawl under the duvet and hide from the world.  But instead I showed up.  And I kept on showing up – as a parent, as a wife, as a therapist, as a colleague, as a daughter.  As me.  I may not always have been the best version of myself, but I showed up.  For me, that’s a big deal.

3. Where did I fail?

In the world of Cognitive Hypnotherapy, there is no failure – only feedback.  It’s ok to make mistakes because that’s how we learn to get better.  I made many mistakes this year – too many to list and probably mostly the same as last year.  It’s said that nothing ever goes away until we’ve learned what we needed to learn from it, so I’m using these mistakes and less-than-good moments to figure out what they’re trying to tell me and how I can let go of them for good.

4. Is there anyone who deserves a big thank you?

My husband, without a doubt – he has been by my side throughout it all.  He helped me stay standing at Dad’s funeral instead of collapsing, and it was his eyes that I sought as I spoke the few words I could manage to those who gathered at the crematorium to say goodbye.  He sat with me for four hours at the hospital as I waited to have the lumps in my breast scanned.  He has given me space where I’ve needed it.  Enveloped me in a hug when I’ve burst into uncontrollable tears as a song that reminds me of Dad unexpectedly comes on the radio.  Parented at moments where I’ve felt unable to.  And loved me unconditionally through even my darkest moments.

5. What moment was most memorable and why?

There were many memorable moments in 2015 and most of them were good.  But one obviously overshadowed everything else – the death of my Dad.  The moment I found out he was in hospital on a ventilator with suspected pneumonia.  Then, just a couple of short hours later, the moment I found out it was actually third stage lung cancer that had spread throughout his body.  The moment I had to choose whether to turn off the life support machine and let him go peacefully or keep it turned on and try and get to the hospital in time before his heart gave up.  The moment I got the phone call the next morning letting me know that he’d gone.  The moments where I had to phone family members and friends to let them know the news.  The many moments during his funeral where I crumbled.  These memories will stay with me forever.

6. What are my fears?

That I’ll be too afraid to follow my heart and as a result I’ll get stuck and stop growing.  And I’m terrified of losing more people that I love without ever really knowing them and without them knowing the depth of how I feel about them.

7. What do I need to do more of?

Do more of the stuff I love to do – writing, shooting photographs, yoga.  Watch as many sunrises and sunsets as possible.  Follow my heart more.  Drink more water.  Get more sleep.  Have more fun.  Remember that I’m enough.  Spend more time connecting with people.  Love.

8. What do I need to stop doing?

Stressing about stuff I cannot control.  Getting caught up in the busyness of life.  Blaming myself, doubting myself and comparing myself to others.  Stop listening to the voice in my head that tells me I’m not enough.

*Side note:  I looked back at my post from last year and found that I’d written almost exactly the same things.  I guess some lessons take a little longer to learn than others.

9. What are three goals I want to accomplish in 2016?

~  To follow my heart more.  This might mean that not everyone like or approves of the choices I make – I need to work on being ok with that.

~  To explore other options.   This applies to so many different areas of my life – there is always more than one way to do something.

~  To connect more with people.  As an introvert, my circle is small and the people within it are incredibly important to me.  I want to know them better, understand them more, hear their stories, see them more clearly and feel what they feel.

10. What will I do to achieve these goals?

Make as many decisions as possible from a place of love & growth instead of fear & protection and trust that they are the right ones for me and my family.  Be open to what I can create as a result of incorporating more of what I love into my days.  Allow myself to be more flexible.  Say yes to things that excite me and no to anything that doesn’t feel right.  Spend more time with people.

So yes, 2015 has been a difficult year, and one that I’m looking forward to leaving behind even though I know it has taught me valuable lessons.  I enter 2016 openly, feeling both fragile and strong.

I’d love to hear from you if you choose to answer these questions – what have you learnt from 2015?  What has been your most memorable moment?  What three things would you like to accomplish in 2016?  Do leave your answers as a comment below if you want to take part in reflecting on the year, whether it’s been everything you wanted it to be or more challenging than you ever imagined.  And if you think you know someone who might find this useful, please feel free to share, either directly or via social media.

Thanks for reading 🙂

2 Comments for: 2015: The year that nearly broke me

Chloe

Right back atcha Claire! Cannot wait to get back on the mat in January – I am so glad I found you 🙂

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